#25 - Problem Solving Options for When You Want to Feel Heard (small issue: part 1)

Episode 25: Problem Solving Options for When You Want to Feel Heard

What are your options when things are not going quite right? It's ahrd to know what approach to take-but let's talk through a scinario and what potential options you have so you can make an informed decision to help your child! Shownotes: www.parentfriendlyot.com/podcast  Free Parent Priority Guide: www.parentfriendlyot.com/guide 

So…everythng is fine…and then it’s not. Or it was never fine. OR it wasn’t fine and now it is.

IEPs are a rollercoaster of emotions.

Is the staff actually following the IEP? Are they not? Why not? What can you do?

On today’s episode we are discussing conflict, and frustration, and getting gaslighted, and what you can do about it.

So. I do have a little announcement I want you to know. Because I’m transparent like that, and you know I am if you’ve listened to the podcast at all. But COVID has really rocked our house this year in 2021-2022 school year. I know-right? 2020 we were fine. I was pregnant, I tried OT remotely, which I didn’t love but I got through, and other than a few things it went better than most people.

Well-this year-not so much. Child care has had a hard time with staffing (like everywhere) and my 16 month old son has been quarantine a lot. 5 times and counting. I do think we all had COVID and we are OK. But that doesn’t keep him from getting quarantine every time he’s exposed.

So, because we want to protect my husband’s job, I have stepped away from schools because we just don’t have the family support-and I can’t exactly ask anyone else to watch our quarantined son.

I love working in schools, so this has been really hard. But as I’ve been training my replacements and able to step away a bit, I’ve discovered just how much more I can actually lean into this business of ParentFriendlyOT and provide even more value to you.

So here I am-saying-hey, I’m still contracting with a district to provide specialized training and support with things like assistive technology evaluations, but I’m no longer carrying a caseload of my own.

The really, REALLY, cool thing is that I don’t have to be careful anymore about what I disclose in topics like the one today. Conflict.

NOW-I have said MANY TIMES that I’m not a proponent of conflict WITHOUT REASON. Parents “coming in hot” with demands for the schools without a history with that specific case manager of feeling unheard can make an excellent team turn defensive. And if you don’t need it-DON’T DO IT. Don’t listen to other parent’s advice to come in and be a pain in the butt from the start just to set a precedent. This is where I’ve seen teams shut down and not do the best by their child and their IEP is smoke-it’s not good.

BUT. If you have come in with priorities, a plan, advocated respectfully, and you are getting the run around, that is when pulling in extra support, boundaries, asking for hard data, and backing up everything you are asking for DOES count and DOES help you-a lot.

Now-this is a pretty skilled level of knowing how much to push and pull. You still absolutely have to know HOW to ask and WHAT to ask for. Just coming in being demanding isn’t going to make the whole situation better. And it absolutely can make it worse.

So let’s talk about a hypothetical situation-that may or may not be based on a real story- and I’ll talk you through the options you have in solving the problem with OF COURSE the ultimate goal being A GOOD IEP AND EDUCATION FOR YOUR CHILD. Always, Always remember that is your goal. No matter how messy things get.

1. So the situation.

You’ve gone through the eligibility, and they have qualified for an IEP, but it’s not a ton of support. This actually happens with students with ADHD a lot that are showing they need support in core areas. OK, so they are getting some push in support for reading and math, and maybe minimal pull-out support. It appears to match the need (they don’t rise to the level of a learning disability at this time).

You have the IEP, and, nothing changes as far as your child feeling more supported. You feel like you don’t actually know what’s happening-who is the para in the classroom? Are the accommodations being followed? What has actually changed?

Now, here are your options.

1. You can kindly ask the case manager these questions.
   1. Here is some advice, though, ask specific questions.
      1. Example: instead of “are the accommodations being followed” you can ask “hey did we get the accommodation of the planner to help them organize assignments set up yet? Can you send it home today so I can sign it and send it back tomorrow?”
2. You can ask who is supporting them in the classroom.
   1. Know that many times paras aren’t really allowed to have contact with parents. But it depends on the district. The more personal connection you have with the person actually interacting with your child the better.
3. You can call another IEP meeting.
   1. Don’t do this too soon-it does naturally take time for schedules to be rearranged, people to get to know each other, etc. But I’d say 2 months and if you are still concerned, let’s meet again.
   2. You can ask the special education director to be at this meeting (or call and talk to them outside of the meeting, too!!) They are ones that make the decisions, and if you are able to talk to them enough they will help you.
4. You can bring an advocate to said meeting if you feel like you aren’t being heard.
   1. Now-to be an advocate you don’t have to have any specific training. One advocate that is great with a certain district or disability may not be helpful (or even detrimental) to your child’s case.
      1. Don’t ever let them give legal advice-or even hint that they are giving legal advice. I don’t have to tell you they aren’t a lawyer, right?
5. You can get a legal consult.
   1. This is more to educate you on your options. Of course, you can pay to have them come to the meeting, too, but that feels a little strong a little fast. But-you know the situation best-so this is an option.

Now-I’m going to be honest. As I read parents in groups ask questions of other parents it’s pretty easy for me to look at a situation and say-oh man-you need a lawyer for that one!

It’s SO case by case. And there are so many nuances to a situation. So if you are feeling like you need to ask someone what to do, feel free to message me, ok? It’s an easy “that’s common” or “nope, they are gaslighting you, get some backup.”

But in any conflict, I want you to realize that those are people you are talking to. And those people interact with your CHILD on a day-to-day basis.

Sometimes, I see the way parents interact with school staff and I wonder why they would do that. I mean, we are going to turn around and see their kid for another 4 hours today. Like-do you want us to be nice to your kid? Or scared to interact with them? Like, what are you expecting our reaction to be?

And that’s happened. Even though I’m pretty good at understanding where a parent is coming from – if I don’t understand WHY you are upset or WHAT HAPPENED (because, often I’m the last one to know, being a related service) I get super scared that I don’t actually know what’s happening and I will stop being creative, inventive, or a really great problem solver because I just don’t want to get into trouble with the parent.

So. When you advocate-which you should in said situation above (or tell me your successful advocacy story on my last post on facebook or instagram-I want to totally hear it!!) I want you to bring your concerns and your emotion and your passion to the SITUATION but not to the person sitting across from you.

School staff does well when they can.

And this year, man. You’ve seen the memes on facebook if you are friends with any teachers. They are laying in the hallway. They are SUPER confused why their kindergarteners are holding scissors like daggers, and they are super, super burnt out. Start with a story about how you love your kid. How it makes you feel when you see them struggle. Then ask what you can do to help those accommodations or support happen. Tell them that you understand things are hard but that you can’t have your kid lose any more learning time that COVID has stolen form your kid. Tell them the truth, that you are worried about your kid.

You have options to bring your concerns to the team and be heard. Let me know if you are considering any of them and you need an ear to guide you, validate you, whatever I can do for you. I’m on Instagram and Facebook at ParentFriendlyOT. And another thing-if you’ve subscribed to my newsletter or have downloaded my priority freebie, you’ll see a survey hitting your email address soon. I really would appreciate you taking 3 minutes to share what you are most struggling with right now so I can research, pull in guests you need to hear from, and get back to feeling like you have some control over this whole IEP situation!

If you aren’t on my email list, then find me on Facebook or Instagram and either comment on my latest post-or send me a private message. Now that I have time to really get into laws, experiences in different states (I see you, TX, CA, and OH!) I want to know the top topics that are really going to make a difference in your life!

Thanks, as always, for sharing the podcast! It’s growing like mad and I only have you to thank for it! I love thinking about you and me heart and support goes out to each and every one of you, and I hope you can feel that through the mic! Thanks for listening, I’ll see you, same time, same place, tomorrow!

Beth

Related Posts:

Episode 16: Outside Diagnosis vs. Educational IEP Label https://parentfriendlyot.com/episode-16/

Episode 5: The Parent Role In the IEP! https://parentfriendlyot.com/episode-5/