E113: School Refusal
Does your child struggle with school refusal? This podcast is a collection of themes that Beth has seen within the schools in working with children in multiple settings.
Does your child struggle with school refusal? This podcast is a collection of themes that Beth has seen within the schools in working with children in multiple settings. But it also is a connection to resources as well.
In this episode we cover:
1) Why school refusal is often unsupported in schools
2) Why school refusal is only what you are seeing as a result of the real issue
3) How to figure out what that issue is
4) How to approach the school team to get support
FREE IEP Process Step-By-Step Guide
Accommodations Mini-Course for Parents
E113: School Refusal
[00:00:00] I’m going to be honest we’re talking about one of the hardest things to get support with in the schools and that a school refusal but by the end of this episode you will hopefully have some ideas of what to ask for how to approach school refusal and how to figure out what’s actually happening as well as how to communicate with the school iep team and really recruit their support for trying to get support for your child in getting them to school so stick with me because we’re talking about school refusals today
You are listening to the parent IEP lab, the podcast that helps you get an effective IEP plan for your child so that you can get them supported and learning in school. I’m Beth LEAs and Feld occupational therapist, who started to notice trends of parents who got effective IEP for their kids without having to fight the school. My mission is to help you learn the pillars of knowledge that I saw these effective parents using their advocacy, and also to provide insight or knowledge from the school side, so that you have context to turn that into informed, intelligent questions that actually get you somewhere with the school IEP team.
So let’s dive into [00:01:00] today’s topic and think about what we can change and tweak to get the right formula for success for your child to learn and grow in school. Welcome to the lab.
You might not have heard the news that we have a new collaboration between Tim Krentzman of action driven education. Who focuses on teaching administrators and special education teachers about accommodations and modifications. And we teamed up to bring you the accommodations mini course for parents.
We’re so excited to bring you this mini course, and we already have a handful of parents in there, and I can’t wait to hear what you think about the course as well. So in this course, we talk about Tim’s theory of the around and through concept when approaching challenges to accommodate and the just right concept of accommodations. And we also talk about how I’ve seen parent advocates be successful in knowing what to ask for and take you through a process of knowing what accommodations and modifications to ask for and how to approach the school teams.
So you actually get them provided. If you are [00:02:00] someone who loves to give feedback and maybe even a testimonial, then you have a very special opportunity today and through the weekends. So through this coming weekend, ending March 5th, 2023, NAB 50% off of the course by entering the code podcast at checkout, that’s the code podcast at checkout,
but that is only available through this coming weekend. As this podcast is getting published. So I hope to see you in the course.
Okay. So school refusal. You know, is the deal. I haven’t done an episode on this yet, because the reality is that there’s a couple things and a couple of topics that are really common. But that every single situation is different.
So as you listen to this podcast, you might not find the exact answer that is going to be, oh my gosh. That is why my child is refusing to go to school. There may be ideas that you say that you’re like, yes, that is totally our situation. And there might be a handful of things within this [00:03:00] episode that you’re like, no, that’s not it. Like, that’s not, that’s not what’s happening.
And so approach this episode with a, Hey, I’m going to come in with an open mind and just listen. To the patterns that Beth has seen and see if any of those fit, but also at the end, we’re going to talk about, regardless of why you think this is happening of how to approach the IEP team about it as well, to get some support
So what convinced me to talk more about this is that we keep hearing about school refusal, and we keep hearing about these topics. School refusal masking during school, which masking means that your child is able to like hold himself together herself together. During the day and then comes home and falls apart. And these particular topics are super, super hard.
To get support with inside the school because the school being a data-driven place. It doesn’t have any evidence that that is happening, right. Except for tardies. When we’re talking about school refusal. But there’s [00:04:00] a lot of like believing on the parent that happens instead of a response to, oh, let’s help the parent figure this out because they’re doing the best that they can. And so if that is happening to you, first of all, I’m so sorry that that team is going there.
And that you feel judged. I never ever want anybody to feel like they’re judged, but the reality is that a lot of people do. So, um, I just wanted to come here and kind of share my thoughts about it. And my experiences with the people that I’ve seen with school refusal. Um, and how to work through that. And of course, if you need more support come into the Facebook group, the link to join the Facebook group is below this podcast in your podcast player.
Um, and so come there kind of make a post, tell us your story. Um, as it might’ve been something that I didn’t think about in this episode as well. So coming to you humbly and saying, I want to help, but also realizing that this is a very complex situation. And so I might not have all the answers for you within this podcast, but.
Hopefully I say something that you’re like, [00:05:00] oh, I’ve never thought about it that way, or, oh, let me think about that. And so I really encourage you to have an open mind as you start listening to this. So, you know, we’ve talked about behavior on the podcast before. And if you’re newish to the parent IEP lab, I know there’s been A ton of people that just found this podcast in the last month or so. We have a really great episode with Connie per se, who also spoke in the summit and you can still buy the VIP ticket for the summit. It’s just $37. Um, and you will get 19 speakers, including Connie per sake. Um, but she talks about this, this change in the way that we approach behavior. And I see so many parents on board with.
Really looking at what is actually happening instead of just addressing the behavior with kind of an ABA type approach. Um, and so I definitely recommend that episode. I’ll link up that podcast below this podcast. That you can go in and listen to that podcast as well.
So I’m going to dive into just a little bit of behavior, but really [00:06:00] that’s not my focus. Right? So, um, if you want more information about behavior along the same lines, I recommend following Greg send to G. Who is an occupational therapist and an advocate and Dr. Ross green. And I’ll talk about him a little bit more.
Um, you can follow them on social media. Greg especially is pretty active on social media. Um, and he does live Q and a sometimes, which are amazing. And then Dr. Green has a bunch of books. One is called lost at school, and one is called the explosive child. And, um, he talks about his CPS method in there. And we’re going to, we’re going to talk about that as we go along.
And so we’re, we’re recognizing today that we are approaching school refusal as a behavior. Right. And you’ve probably already heard the very common phrase. Behavior is communication by now, if not welcome to that phrase, it’s everywhere. It feels like right now, maybe that’s just because I know it.
So I see it everywhere. But people don’t really explain what that means if you’re new to it. So at least not to my satisfaction, you guys [00:07:00] know me. I like to break things down into as. Small bites as I possibly can. So here’s an example. So school refusal is behavior that is communicating that something else is up.
Okay. So the behavior of school refusal is absolutely what looks like it is the problem, right? You’re like school refusal. You probably saw this title of the episode and you’re like, yes, like that is our issue right now. Like, let me listen to this. But I’m telling you that the behavior is just a result of something else. That’s actually the problem. So it’s something else. So this is why it’s so hard. And this is why I haven’t done an episode on it because we have to put on our detective hats and every single situation is going to be different.
So for some children, especially non-speaking or non fluent with AEC, which is augmentative and alternative communication devices. Yet, um, you know, if your child has a communication system, but they’re not fluent in it yet, like in a C device or an augmentative and alternative communication [00:08:00] device, or maybe they’re using some sort of picture system or a different app or something.
This can be really hard to figure out what is actually the problem that is causing this behavior. So right now, I’m just going to kind of go through some situations. And if any of these are fitting, then we can talk about what your parent role and capacity to do about it. Would actually be, so this is where the open-mind comes in.
So the children that I have worked with, um, and I’ve served within the schools and also outside of the schools as well. Um, I’ve been involved with several equine and OT studies through Colorado state university. Um, we’ve done. I have done clinic work. I have done equine based therapy.
And so the, the people that I’ve worked with that have school refusal. Oftentimes also have anxiety. And so anxiety is a pretty big part of the picture. In most cases that I have seen. So the first possibility is that [00:09:00] maybe your child has a generalized anxiety about any place outside the home.
And so that’s present for school as well, but it’s also, you know, going to church or going to the grocery store or going to outside therapy or whatever it is. So solutions to this would be very different than if we’re only seeing school refusal. Right. So in that place, it’s like, okay, like there’s something about not being at home.
There’s something about being outside.
And so you have some options. Yes. That includes medications for anxiety. Yes. That includes, you know, outside therapy to help it also, you know, And also may lead you to you asking for support from the IEP team, which we’ll get to at the end, but just know that there’s a distinct difference. Right. Is this happening everywhere or is this just happening for school? Okay, so then the second possibility you’ve probably guessed it by now is that their anxiety is only related to going specifically to school.
And this is the most common from what I see. [00:10:00] And so you might see them doing just fine on the weekend or non-school days, but it’s just, when they go to school that you’re having trouble getting them out the door. They’re saying you don’t want to go. They’re saying that they hate school, all of those things. Right? So at this point we need to start being detectives and really trying to figure out what’s up, what else is happening? And it can be a lot. And that’s why this is so hard to figure out. So here’s the thing. If your child is at all verbal or can use any kind of communication device or system or AEC device or anything.
Then I want you to consider. Or even if they have a reliable yes or no. You know, some people who are medically complex have, you know, a yes or no system and they blink or, you know, something like that. If they have any way of consistently communicating, then we need to ask them first what’s going on.
Because let’s be honest. That is the most efficient way, the most accurate way to figure out what’s [00:11:00] going on. There’s so many times where we’re almost like protecting our kids where we’re, you know, talking around them. We’re talking to the schools, we’re talking to our partners and we’re not going directly for our.
To our kids, because we think that they won’t be able to tell us who or won’t have that insight. And so you have nothing to lose by going to your child first. And just trying to figure out, like, if you can have a conversation with that with them about it or. And, you know, if you can even be playing something and bring it up while you guys are playing something together, like that is invaluable and you will never regret trying to talk to your kid about it unless they blow up at you. And they have a hard time explaining that. But that’s where we’re going to talk about the explosive child and Dr.
eScreen too. Um, so here’s the side note though. If they don’t have a way to communicate, then this is a huge red flag and you need to start here. Okay. So we need to really get. I consistent communication system, whether that’s an ID system. Or it is an AAC device, or [00:12:00] if it’s something that has a very robust.
Language acquisition method to it. Okay. So I am not an SLP, but I have worked with a ton of people with AAC devices. And I’m a big believer in really providing as much opportunity and exposure to language as possible. So, um, if you don’t have a way to communicate them, If you don’t have a way to communicate that with them and them to communicate with you, then that’s definitely something that you need to look into in my humble opinion, right?
I’m not the parent of your child. And so that’s totally up to you, but like, this is one of the huge reasons why we need that. Right. So here’s thing. Because if you have a child who can probably communicate back and forth with you, even if you have a lot of difficulty with this. This is where my reference to Dr. Green’s method of the CPS method, which is the collaborative and proactive solutions
so in the explosive child, he teaches it to [00:13:00] parents and in lost at school that he teaches it to teachers and to administrators, but the parent is also involved, but he writes it through scenarios and you follow people through story. It’s really cool. It’s actually an easier read than you would have.
I thought it’s not super dry. It’s really good. Um, and then you have a ton of examples as you go along. And if you’ve been around the podcast at all, you know that I love examples. So I really enjoyed both of these books,
and there’s one thing though, that he has talked about, the title of his book is the explosive child. And. He didn’t really want it to be that particular title. And here’s the thing, like if you have a child who is refusing to go to school, Then yes, they might be explosive. They might be having behaviors and yelling and screaming and refusing or you have a child who has anxiety, who holds things inside and you almost have an implosive child though, right? So they’re shutting down. They’re not talking to you. They’re avoiding. [00:14:00] They’re doing all the things to not go to school, but they’re not necessarily exploding. So don’t let that title kind of like dissuade you from reading.
It’s really just a whole other method of parenting in general, of just being able to problem solve with your kid and the technique to do that. So, okay. So say that you’re working on CPS. And I’m not going to lie. This is really hard. It’s really hard because you have to dial down the problem to be as minute as possible. And it’s so, so small.
And so it can take awhile to get good at the CPS method. Especially if your child is, you know, maybe they’re middle school or high school. And so they’ve been. Um, having this anxiety for a while and they’ve had this mistrust of teachers or whatever is happening and making them anxious about going to school has been happening for a while.
It’s going to take time for you to work through CPS. It’s going to take time for you to figure out the method, um, because it sounds easy and it’s a little, it’s difficult, right? So. Um, it [00:15:00] can take some time to implement, so, okay. Well you still need to get them to school tomorrow. So like, let’s talk about what you can do right now.
So the first thing is to look for patterns. So use the system on your phone or a calendar on the wall, or, you know, however it is helpful for you to track things.
And I want you to look for patterns. Is it always on a Tuesday or is it worse on a Tuesday? Does it take you longer to get them out the door on a Tuesday? Well, this allows you to go to the school IEP team with a certain nugget of information and say, is there something different on a Tuesday? And wouldn’t that be cool if you were like,
Hey, something different on a Tuesday. And they’re like, oh yeah, we have music on Tuesday. And, you know, they’re always like trying to avoid going to music. Well, And you may have just found the thing that they are refusing to go to. Maybe they’re having some sensory sensitivities, maybe it’s the teacher that they don’t jive with. You know, it can be a number of things that’s [00:16:00] happening, but at least then you have a target. So definitely look for patterns.
And as odd as this sounds. Patterns may also be related to things like the weather. One of my favorite favorite non-speaking students. I loved this kid was obviously affected by the weather. I would walk in and see his face and be like, you are miserable. And he would ask for pressure on his head.
And I’d be like, yeah, it’s the weather. And it was so predictable that when the weather changed, he was just not in a good mood and he didn’t feel well. And you could just tell, right. So keep an open mind because who would have thought it was weather, right. So it might be something not even roughly to deschool, but when we’re talking about school related refusal, it probably is something in the school, whether that is a bully or a certain person that they have in a certain class or things like that.
So just really be. Attuned to patterns. And it might take you a minute to figure out that pattern, or you might [00:17:00] say, oh my gosh, I think it’s music. And then you guys problem solve music, like plan C. It like just don’t have the expectation that they go to music anymore. And it’s still happening. And so you still might need to come back and problem solve. Hence, the name of my business is the IEP lab, because we are people we need to just problem solve. What’s actually happening and just be problem-solvers about it. And then just try new things
and just see what works right. Okay. So you are in the process of looking for patterns. You may be learning to use CPS. You’ve got all of these things rolling. Um, and so you still need to get help tomorrow, right? Because you know, a pattern takes a couple of weeks to figure out right.
So how do you communicate with the school about this and how do you advocate for support for this right. So, this is why it’s so helpful to have one person on the IEP team. At least one that you have a relationship with somebody who actually listens to you is approachable. Um, you can tell really cares. So many times we get into the coaching calls.
The [00:18:00] prep course. And there is somebody that says, yeah, that speech therapist really cared about us, but it always seems like they couldn’t say anything in front of the rest of the team. Right? So like, that’s your person, that’s your person that you can go to with this and really get some support.
To start with and then really talk to the rest of the IEP team after this. Of course. Right. So you can go to that one person. And if you don’t have that person that you have relationship with, I would encourage you to have somebody on the IEP team that you stop in and you email randomly or. You know, you develop a relationship by stopping in at parent-teacher conferences or something like that, so that you can get to know them and they can get to know you. And if you’re looking for the ideal person to make your person, that is the case manager, and normally that’s a special education teacher, or it is a speech language pathologist.
And so make that person, your person. Okay. So you can just have an honest conversation with them about what is happening, man. We’re, you know, we’re trying to figure out what’s happening, but we’re [00:19:00] seeing the school refusal. It’s getting so bad that they’re missing a couple of periods. You know, multiple times a week or whatever’s happening.
And then you can explain what things you’re already doing. We’re trying to figure out a pattern. We are, you know, getting up early so that we have more time to prepare for this. Terrible transition, right. Or we are trying to, you know, talk with them before the night before to just say, heads up. We’re going to get up at this time. And this is what’s going to happen in the morning.
So you can kind of explain what you’re doing. And then you can ask them. To look for patterns as well inside of school. So are they struggling during a certain part of the day? Are they mentioning something about some part of the day or someone that keeps bugging them and is the teacher or teachers kind of shrugging them off and not listening? You know, things like that are red flags.
Um, especially if there’s a certain transition that’s harder than others. Like say the transition to lunch, it’s just really hard. Okay. Well, can we figure out if it [00:20:00] possibly is lunch then? And so really it helps to have somebody on quote-unquote the inside of the school malls. So that they can look out for any triggers that you won’t necessarily see because you’re not there. Right.
And so once you talk to this person, then just communication is key. Right? A while ago, there was a meme running around facebook and probably Instagram as well. And it was a sign that. I have a pamphlet or something that a teacher was saying to text her a secret word or a phrase.
In the morning, if that child was having a hard time in particular that day. And so that’s amazing. Right. And that’s why it went viral because we’re bringing out the caring for the human that is your child. Right. And so that’s what we want to focus on. So what we’re really after is to have people on those days,
At least temporarily, if not forever, which would be great. Kind of approach your child with compassion and understanding and trying to problem solve what’s actually wrong.
And have [00:21:00] the staff that’s working with your child really opened their eyes to what is hard for them that day. And to ask them to accommodate more, to ask them to make exceptions to rules and things like that. Cause we should be doing that anyway. Right. So let’s say that your child has a hard day. You’re able to communicate with somebody that they’re having hard day and they’re late to school because they didn’t want to go.
So let’s just kind of think that through right. Of what is going to be helpful for your child in the immediate future. Even if you have to drop some academic, you know, expectations or whatever that is. So let’s say they’re having her name. You’re able to communicate that with the team and your kid shows up.
A team that’s really demanding that says, you know, you’re choosing not to come on time. Like you’re choosing to do this, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, and then the second option is a team who understands that the morning was rough and to approach it with consideration and an open mind. They are going to a.
Really [00:22:00] build that relationship with your child. They’re going to help you by having their eyes. More right. Open. And they are going to be able to break that cycle that your child is in, of having anxiety about school. So here’s, here’s a really good example. So let’s say. And that you’ve been late to work a lot, right? Because you have hard mornings too. You need to get to work. You need your child to go to school and them refusing just like escalates the situation. So it’s hard in the morning.
You’ve struggled to get your child to school. It already feels like you’ve lived an entire day by 8:00 AM and you show up to work and you’re met with everyone else can make it on time. You’re late. What’s wrong, right? Or. You walk into that same office or wherever you work, and maybe you’re met with.
What’s up like you were late again today. What’s going on? Is everything okay? Is there anything we can do to help you figure it out? Right. So, if you think about your own [00:23:00] anxiety in anticipation of what you’re going to be met with at work, is it going to be compassion or is it going to be.
Everybody else is on time. You’re late. Why do you want an exception, your response the next day? Is going to be very different when you have to be late again. Right. And you’re saying like, I’m doing everything possible that I can, and I still can’t make it here. Right. Showing up late when you don’t want to be late, is punishment enough, right?
And so just kind of think forward as that as your scenario. And you’ve probably already thought of this actually. But it’s like the more the cycle perpetuates that they’re met with resistance and not understanding. The worst that’s going to be, right. So it’s a cycle and it’s, it is definitely not always the simple, I’m definitely oversimplifying it. And that’s the risk of me doing this podcast today.
Um, but let me say it like this is doable, right? Hopefully there were some things that I said in here that you haven’t heard before. Right. [00:24:00] Maybe some things that I said and how we approach this behavior and how we really look at school refusal as a result of some other issue that’s going on and how to support them would be helpful.
And I’ve heard from so many parents how hard it is to do CPS. And Dr. Green actually has a Facebook group. That’s run by his staff members and it’s called the beat team. I have just learned so much about CPS and they do not sugarcoat it. Like it is difficult. It is hard. It’s.
It’s a skill to learn for sure. But, you know, as Dr. Green says in all of his books, you’re already working hard, right? You’re already working so hard to get them to school. You’re already trying to problem solve what’s going on. Let’s give you something to show up for it. So if your situation is a little bit messier than what I talked about here,
And if you want somewhere to talk it through, go ahead and join us in the Facebook group and let us know if we can help you problem solve the link to join. The Facebook group is below this podcast and your podcast player. And yeah, just Nika [00:25:00] make your own post and welcome in the group. And just let us know if we can help you in any way, or if you just need to vent. That’s okay too.
But just know that most of us in there are very solution oriented. So if you just want to vent, it’s probably not the best group to just go in there and vent. Without wanting a solution because we’re pretty solution focused and that group, which I’m pretty proud of. So thank you so much for listening to the podcast this week. Don’t forget to download your IEP process. Step by step guide. If you haven’t.
Is that the IEP lab.com/iep or the link is billows episode in your podcast player. And also I would so appreciate it. If you would rate and review this podcast in your podcast player, if you haven’t done so already. It kind of works like Facebook, where if you rate and review this podcast, then it’ll show it as suggestions to other parents who might need similar information.
To why you’re listening to it today. So I so appreciate you sharing an episode with somebody or reading, reviewing the podcast thank you so much. And I’ll see you. Same time, same place next week. Thanks so much.